The shady gas station unfortunately named “Speedo” recently took some more of my money and life that can never be reclaimed. This is due to the discounted price of gas that they charge. So while dodging shifty patrons and a magazine rack that really needed to be in a more private location, I decide to make the most of my excursion and scan the beverage cooler for any hidden carbonated gems. I quickly moved past the large space where items I’m sure cause long term liver damage to where the soft drinks where located. The usual parade of mainstream fare presented itself, with one exception. Sippin’ Syrup Purple beckoned me from is floor level perch, already chilled and ready for me to take home. So with the as yet unrevised beverage in hand, I pay the price of products purchased and exit post haste.
Now it is time when I describe what Sippin’ Syrup Purple is all about. First it’s a relaxation beverage. What that means exactly is answered by the label itself. “Euphoric thoughts,” “Extended relaxation,” and “Experience calmness” frame the scope of this beverage. I do notice that the letter “E” seems to be a favorite of the Sippin’ Syrup label writers, but I digress. A website is hustled, no way am I going there, and a detailed ingredients list tells me what’s inside. After some time reading said ingredients list I discover that many forms of B vitamins and sugar make up most of the Sippin’ Syrup Purple formula. Strange that a relaxation beverage has sugar in its formula, but perhaps the discontinuity is only imagined. Also of note, never am I told just what “purple” flavor is supposed to taste like. That is mildly alarming, but Sippin’ Syrup Purple is a veritable explosion of red flags in the first place, so I’m prepared for whatever happens come what may. Also a warning written in tiny font is splashed across the bottom part of the back of the label. Am I surprised? No, but I will relay the necessary information contained therein. First, I’m supposed to consume Sippin’ Syrup responsibly. That means I can only drink two servings in a twenty four hour period. Second, I can’t drink this if I’m a kid or pregnant. The label never mentions crazy, so I’m totally safe. The last thing listed is that I’m not supposed to operate a car or machinery after consumption. Good to know this stuff is sold over the counter to anyone with a few dollars to spare.
So the top has been twisted off. The scent is just a hare shy of offensive. Disgusting synthetic grape smell smacks my unsuspecting nostrils like a UFC champ. The smell is bad enough to make me want to halt the review, but what would a review be if I didn’t at least drink a little of the beverage at hand? So I take a gulp, bracing for what I’m certain will be a taste just as corrosive as the smell. Folks, imagine the cheapest grape soda you’ve ever had. Now multiply that unfortunate taste by a very high number. As usual I take another sip to ensure I read the product correctly, and yes I did. Gross, disgusting, and vulgar are the most polite words I could use to describe this stuff. After the initial trauma of this drinks taste has worn off I begin to wonder how the company that makes this makes enough money to stay in business. Sorry trash can, typically stuff much more valuable than Sippin’ Syrup Purple is placed within you.
Final Review: Do not buy! Sippin’ Syrup Purple is bad in every language known to man.