Fluids Soda Co. Radiant Red

Wanna play guess the flavor?  In front of me I have a bottle of red soda with a red bottle cap.  The brand is one I’ve never heard of; it’s called Fluids Soda Co.  Now the listed flavor is Radiant Red so you’d assume what “Radiant Red” would taste like should be somewhere on the label… nope.  Instead of a picture of cherries, strawberries, watermelon, or blood orange I get a picture of a transmission sitting in front of some checkered flags.  

"Twist" "hates" "it"

The label makes sure I know that it’s sweetened with “Pure Cane Sugar”, but as far as I know this is a transmission flavored soda that’s “Made in the USA”.  Perhaps it’s a generic “Red” soda.  Perhaps I’ll use “quotes” nine or “ten” more times while writing this review.  Either way I’m tired of this mystery.  Let’s see if my taste buds can become taste “detectives”.

Well the scent doesn’t help me at all.  I guess it’s cherry or strawberry… I think… possibly.  It’s such a faint aroma I honestly can’t tell.  Methinks the taste might not be as vague.

What in the world is this?  Ever find yourself melting down cherry cough drops and then adding equal parts carbonated water?  You do?  Well fantastic, you don’t have to do that anymore because Fluids Radiant Red exists on the market.

I don’t know if this is the worst “fruit” soda I’ve ever had, but the thought has crossed my mind enough that it needed to be typed.  Really the only redeeming value it has is that I’m not gagging on it and the carbonation levels are nice.  Other than that I’d stay far away from this.

So there you have it.  Fluids Soda Co. Radiant Red is terrible and I’m going to stop drinking it now.

Verdict - Do Not Buy

~A

I bought this at a Shell Gas Station in Houston

Empire Bottling Works Spruce Beer

Spruce Beer, would you try it?  I’m about to, but I’m quite uncertain what it will taste like.  Empire Bottling Works makes this particular Spruce Beer although I’ve never seen another on the market.  A look at the ingredients isn’t much help either.  Carbonated natural artesian spring water (really?), 100% cane sugar, extract flavor, citric acid, and sodium benzoate (yum yum) are what make up Spruce Beer.  You know what might have been helpful?  They could make the listing of “extract flavor” more than just a legal requirement if they told us exactly what it was an extract of.  Personally, I hope the extract is spruce.  I hope I’m about to enjoy a tree soda.

The stains on the label are sadly not part of the art.  In shipping a root beer was lost to the pressures of claustrophobia. 

The stains on the label are sadly not part of the art.  In shipping a root beer was lost to the pressures of claustrophobia. 

This smells like tree soda, manly candles, and Vicks VapoRub.  I don’t want to drink it.  My hesitation is due to the fact that I never want to stop smelling it.  Granted I could just grab some Vicks out of my medicine cabinet, but it wouldn’t be the same.  Sigh… no use in stalling.  Time to try this truly uniquely scented soda.

As putrid as this tastes I’m laughing.  All of those aromas listed in the previous paragraph… this is liquid THAT.  Each sip is like a loved one rubbing Vicks VapoRub on my chest then on my tongue.  If you’re unfamiliar with Vicks (which needs to be remedied if true) then just replace every instance of Vicks with PineSol… minus the lemon scent.  The initial taste of Empire Bottling Works isn’t that bad, but it rapidly falls into a “Do Not Buy” spiral of taste. 

I don’t want any more of this.  It’s like this soda answered some unasked question of what would tree soda taste like.  Some pinesap, needles, and carbonated water would do in a pinch to replicate the sensation.  As unusual as this is I can’t suggest you try it.  I’m happy Spruce Beer exists in the world I live in because it truly shows innovention, but dear me it is terrible.

Verdict – Do Not Buy

~A

Green Fit Lime Coconut

Each time I do a review it’s usually about a single beverage that I’m currently holding.  Well, today’s beverage is from ThirstMonger and this bottle of Green Fit Lime Coconut plainly reads that it’s “6 Functional Drinks in One Bottle”.  Now I’m not completely sure what they mean by that, but if I turn the bottle around I’m told that I’m about to consume the nutritional equivalent of 2 eggs, 10 oranges, 1.5 cups of broccoli, 1/3 of a cup of peas, 2 cups of green tea, and a baby banana.  That’s all well and good as I do like it when a beverage is good for you, but does it taste good?  This is the reason you’re still reading, right? 

The bottle suggests I shake it before opening and looking at the sediment I agree completely.  With its lid wrapped in the same plastic that surrounds the bottle, this is one of the most difficult beverages I’ve ever had to open.  I surely hope the struggle is worth the nectar. 

Well, the aroma that sits atop this bottle of Lime Coconut liquid holds neither of the scents of the previously listed foods.  Instead an odd, somewhat bread/vegetable aroma is what my nose detects.  Something is off here in the smell department.  Hopefully my favorite flavor of lime kicks in when I take my first sip, making me forget about the scent at hand (or nose in this case).

Twist thinks they should try 1 drink in the bottle before ramping it up to 6.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.  Those are the words that my fingers screamed out because my face could not.  What in the hell did I just drink?  Why must I go back and take another sip to tell you how terrible it was?  Each sip starts off like an ok day at work.  The lime flavor is somewhat noticeable, it’s light, it’s fun, it’s hanging out by the copier… but you’re still at work so you’re kinda bummed.  It’s a somewhat sweet taste, but nothing you’d confuse for unhealthy.  For the first few seconds it seems like we’re all gonna be ok with this average beverage… or baverage as I’ll say from here on out.

What follows is the absolute worst aftertaste I've ever experienced in a soda.  You know what; it’s not even an aftertaste.   An aftertaste is what you experience after the beverage has continued on its journey down your throat and you lick your lips a little and get the essence of what you just consumed.  What I’m tasting here is a horrible “halftertaste”.  A halftertaste (Now a term coined by TheSodaJerks) is literally the second half experience of the sip you've taken and the halftertaste of Green Fit Lime Coconut is terrible.  

Pretend you’re out in the desert in need of a cool refreshing drink of water.  The crunch of the sand between your teeth doesn't even bother you anymore as you've been out there for days.  Ahead you see a waterfall and rush your plunge your face into it.  The cool water rushes over your tongue as your teacher calls your name.  “Henry?  Henry?”  Your name is Henry.  “Quit licking the blackboard, Henry.”  You awaken to find yourself erasing the day’s math problems on the blackboard with your tongue.  The chalk fills your mouth making it feel even drier than your recent dream.  That’s what the halftertaste of Green Fit Lime Coconut is like.  Chalky, bitter, and certainly nothing I’m going to continue drinking.  I've probably personally reviewed over 300 of the beverages on this site and that’s the worst taste I've EVER had in a beverage.  At least we got the words “Baverage” and “Halftertaste out of it.  Now, hopefully I’m going to wake up from this and find myself licking the blackboard.

“Wake up, Henry”

“My names not Henry”

Verdict – Do Not Buy

~A

If you want to take the Green Fit Lime Coconut Challenge (which is drinking it happily) head on over to ThirstMonger.com

Sippin' Syrup Purple (Fan Review!)

The shady gas station unfortunately named “Speedo” recently took some more of my money and life that can never be reclaimed.  This is due to the discounted price of gas that they charge.  So while dodging shifty patrons and a magazine rack that really needed to be in a more private location, I decide to make the most of my excursion and scan the beverage cooler for any hidden carbonated gems.  I quickly moved past the large space where items I’m sure cause long term liver damage to where the soft drinks where located.  The usual parade of mainstream fare presented itself, with one exception.  Sippin’ Syrup Purple beckoned me from is floor level perch, already chilled and ready for me to take home.  So with the as yet unrevised beverage in hand, I pay the price of products purchased and exit post haste. 

Now it is time when I describe what Sippin’ Syrup Purple is all about.  First it’s a relaxation beverage.  What that means exactly is answered by the label itself. “Euphoric thoughts,” “Extended relaxation,” and “Experience calmness” frame the scope of this beverage.  I do notice that the letter “E” seems to be a favorite of the Sippin’ Syrup label writers, but I digress.  A website is hustled, no way am I going there, and a detailed ingredients list tells me what’s inside.  After some time reading said ingredients list I discover that many forms of B vitamins and sugar make up most of the Sippin’ Syrup Purple formula.  Strange that a relaxation beverage has sugar in its formula, but perhaps the discontinuity is only imagined.    Also of note, never am I told just what “purple” flavor is supposed to taste like. That is mildly alarming, but Sippin’ Syrup Purple is a veritable explosion of red flags in the first place, so I’m prepared for whatever happens come what may.  Also a warning written in tiny font is splashed across the bottom part of the back of the label.  Am I surprised? No, but I will relay the necessary information contained therein.  First, I’m supposed to consume Sippin’ Syrup responsibly.  That means I can only drink two servings in a twenty four hour period.  Second, I can’t drink this if I’m a kid or pregnant.  The label never mentions crazy, so I’m totally safe.  The last thing listed is that I’m not supposed to operate a car or machinery after consumption.  Good to know this stuff is sold over the counter to anyone with a few dollars to spare.

So the top has been twisted off.  The scent is just a hare shy of offensive.  Disgusting synthetic grape smell smacks my unsuspecting nostrils like a UFC champ. The smell is bad enough to make me want to halt the review, but what would a review be if I didn’t at least drink a little of the beverage at hand?  So I take a gulp, bracing for what I’m certain will be a taste just as corrosive as the smell.  Folks, imagine the cheapest grape soda you’ve ever had.  Now multiply that unfortunate taste by a very high number.  As usual I take another sip to ensure I read the product correctly, and yes I did.  Gross, disgusting, and vulgar are the most polite words I could use to describe this stuff.  After the initial trauma of this drinks taste has worn off I begin to wonder how the company that makes this makes enough money to stay in business.  Sorry trash can, typically stuff much more valuable than Sippin’ Syrup Purple is placed within you.  

Final Review:  Do not buy!  Sippin’ Syrup Purple is bad in every language known to man.

C.W.

Sippin Syrup Purple.JPG