UberMonster (Fan Review!)

Monster Energy Drink has a tremendous amount of flavors on the market.  Bigfoot is easier to find than a variety of said brand that tastes good, but that’s my opinion and I digress.  While at my local purveyor of all things grocery I notice a bottle, and yes folks I do mean bottle, of the aforementioned Monster brand. Ubermonster Energy Brew is its name and it claims to be bio-activated and nonalcoholic.  Why would they have to tell me its nonalcoholic?  Either there are enough people out there who may get the wrong idea, or there is something about the production of this clearly highbrow beverage that may be indicative of an alcoholic content.  So I look over the label and find what may be the answer.  I have to relay what the label says in full here:  “Uber from the German word meaning superior, above the norm or ultimate.  UberMonster the ultimate energy brew from Monster. Produced using proprietary German brewing technology.  We ‘borrowed’ a German brewing process which uses a special microbe to ferment malted barley. The resulting ‘Bio Activated’ energy brew has a clean, crisp, taste without the alcohol.  No regular bottle could handle this evil energy brewski.  So we designed our own with the chugger friendly wide mouth we could make.  The big ass cap is a little hard pry off, but it’s sorta like if you can’t open it you shouldn’t be able to drink it!”  That rambling description is lame, patronizing, and full of contradictions. It makes me hate this stuff already.  But I make the purchase anyway and cart the fluid equivalent of a strait to DVD movie back to my house to do a review.

Back at my house I chill the bottle to a near freezing state.  The bottle opener is procured and the “big ass” cap is removed.   No discernible scent is present which is good so I take a gulp.  While certainly better than any of the other monster product I’ve tried this stuff leaves something to be desired.  It tastes like a sweet version of non-alcoholic beer, and I don’t mean that in a good way.  So I take another gulp.  The delicate taste is accentuated by some nuances that I can’t really put my finger on, but the sweetness more than overpowers anything else.  Hey if I wanted this much sugar I would purchase cotton candy, not Monster.  After about half the bottle is consumed I halt the review.  I’ve had enough.   After some reflection I finally realize what Ubermonster is lacking.  Things like a decent taste, decent ingredients, no aftertaste, a credible label, a decent name, the list goes on.  Hey Monster your Ubermonster Brew is garbage!

Final review:  Do not buy!  Folks, if you want something brewed that gives you energy try coffee or tea.  Not the uber mess in a green bottle known as Ubermonster.

C.W.

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