5 Hour Energy (Fan Review!)

Sometimes I get tired.  Sometimes I          buy gas.  The local service station provided an opportunity to          kill these two birds with one stone.  Strategically placed,          several small bottles of 5 Hour Energy Drink Berry flavor sat on          the counter next to the register.  Wary of the small bottle that          costs nearly the price of a gallon of gas, I make the purchase          knowing that the Carbo-Nation deserves a good review.

Back at my modest apartment I decide to          scan the red and yellow label to see what’s in store.  A          remarkable amount of disclaimers reveal themselves, all of which          throw up red flags.  First I am told that "Hours of energy,          no crash later" is in store, but that really means no          "sugar crash." No sugar crash is great, but what          about other types of crashes like caffeine? I guess I am left to          figure that one out for myself .  Next I am told not to          drink more than two bottles a day and to stay away if I'm a child or          nursing.  The label doesn't really define what nursing means, so          I presume that warning is speaking to the females.  Finally          it tells me not to drink this if I am taking medication or have a          medical condition and to consult my medical provider before          use.  This last disclaimer is very ambiguous and was clearly          written to be a legal catch all.  I can’t help but wonder how          the makers of 5 Hour Energy will respond if i ask them how it makes          any sense for me to spend the money to visit my primary care          physician to see if I'm allowed to consume their three dollar          energy drink. 

So at this point I expect the worst.           I open the top and the scent is enough to ward          off buzzards.  This is supposed to be "berry          flavored," but it smells more like cheap cough syrup mixed          with low grade emollient.  Suffice to say this stuff stinks.           So I take a sip.  The taste makes the smell seem like a          refreshing cologne.  It is supposed to be berry flavored; all I          can taste is a poor and synthetic attempt to create something          that is palatable.  The after taste adheres itself to the inside          of my mouth like paint and lingers like a bad tattoo.  I          decide not to take another sip for obvious reasons, and am sure I          know what I won't be buying again.  As a side note the after          taste lasted for about ten minutes, and I am still tired. 

Final Review:  Do not buy! Folks I          implore you to stay away from 5 Hour Energy.  Take a nap, drink          coffee, anything, just say away!

C.W.

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