Soda Reviews

Venom Energy Drink Mojave Rattler (Fan Review!)

So I notice a drink I haven't      tried yet hailing me from the cooler of a low rent convenience      store.  So I grab it and go, it's review time! (Just to be clear, I      did in fact pay for it.)  Today's review is of Venom Energy Drink,      Mohave Rattler flavor.  Many things are wrong with this drinks      label, of course this is of no real surprise considering it has      a name like Venom. 

First, a picture of a giant      snake eye peers out at me from the front of the label.  Cheesy motif      at best.  Second, a two sentence explanation of the      "spirit" of the Mojave Rattler flavor resides on the back of      the label and is worth relating. It reads, "When you want the energy      to succeed where only the leanest and meanest survive you need the      penetrating Venom of Mojave Rattler.  Take on the world and OWN      IT!"  So clearly this is marketed to people who pop collars and      pump fists.  That isn't really me, but I have a review to      finish.  In my opinion, the word "penetrating"      is a very awkward word and shouldn't be used      when describing drinks. 

So I twist open the cap.       Folks I just noticed the writing on the cap, "piercing energy that      strikes back."  This drink has now gone from cheesy to uber      lame.  With that said, I notice the awful smell wafting toward my      unprepared senses.  A wall of horribly cheap grape fragrance greets      my nose and reminds me of something I might find mixed in with trashcan      punch. On second thought, trashcan punch probably smells      way better.  So I take a swig, bracing myself for the      esophageal trauma I expect to follow.  Yes, the taste matches the      smell. A deluge of hideously cheap and synthetic grape      taste washes over my tongue.  A grotesque after taste lingers      in my mouth like sludge from an oil pan.  Folks I can't help but      wonder how this unfortunate concoction passed a taste test by any focus      group.  I debate whether to take another sip for fairness      sake. But I choose not to, considering how bad the first gulp      was.  The name Venom has been made all too clear now. 

Final review:  Buyer      beware!  Ladies and Gentleman, I can’t tell you not to buy      this.  I find it to be junk juice at best, and rancid      garbage cheese at worst. 

CW

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