So I notice a drink I haven't tried yet hailing me from the cooler of a low rent convenience store. So I grab it and go, it's review time! (Just to be clear, I did in fact pay for it.) Today's review is of Venom Energy Drink, Mohave Rattler flavor. Many things are wrong with this drinks label, of course this is of no real surprise considering it has a name like Venom.
First, a picture of a giant snake eye peers out at me from the front of the label. Cheesy motif at best. Second, a two sentence explanation of the "spirit" of the Mojave Rattler flavor resides on the back of the label and is worth relating. It reads, "When you want the energy to succeed where only the leanest and meanest survive you need the penetrating Venom of Mojave Rattler. Take on the world and OWN IT!" So clearly this is marketed to people who pop collars and pump fists. That isn't really me, but I have a review to finish. In my opinion, the word "penetrating" is a very awkward word and shouldn't be used when describing drinks.
So I twist open the cap. Folks I just noticed the writing on the cap, "piercing energy that strikes back." This drink has now gone from cheesy to uber lame. With that said, I notice the awful smell wafting toward my unprepared senses. A wall of horribly cheap grape fragrance greets my nose and reminds me of something I might find mixed in with trashcan punch. On second thought, trashcan punch probably smells way better. So I take a swig, bracing myself for the esophageal trauma I expect to follow. Yes, the taste matches the smell. A deluge of hideously cheap and synthetic grape taste washes over my tongue. A grotesque after taste lingers in my mouth like sludge from an oil pan. Folks I can't help but wonder how this unfortunate concoction passed a taste test by any focus group. I debate whether to take another sip for fairness sake. But I choose not to, considering how bad the first gulp was. The name Venom has been made all too clear now.
Final review: Buyer beware! Ladies and Gentleman, I can’t tell you not to buy this. I find it to be junk juice at best, and rancid garbage cheese at worst.